


Dimensional Self-Isolation

by goldenspecter



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Autistic Turtles, Bad Parent Splinter (TMNT), Bullying, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Raphael-centric, Sock Puppets, TCEST DNI, autistic raph
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29148939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenspecter/pseuds/goldenspecter
Summary: Post S2 Finale, Raph finds himself trapped in the 2012 universe and has a difficult time coping with all of the differences that this world has in store for him. From new villains, unfamiliar familiar faces, and the way the 2012 boys and Splinter treat each other and him, Raph has a heavy plate on his hands during his long term stay.
Relationships: April O'Neil & Raphael (TMNT), Casey Jones & Raphael (TMNT), Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT), Karai & Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 85





	Dimensional Self-Isolation

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Donnie's Dimensional Dilemma](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27567067) by [Space_Doggo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Space_Doggo/pseuds/Space_Doggo). 



> Hey everyone! This fic has been in the works for nearly two months now and originated from me going into my little server with all of the chaotic little nerds(I know they're gonna be reading this and haha ilysm friends <3 this fic wouldn't exist without yall /p) and went "D^3 but Raph is the one who gets trapped in 2012."[Also, I needed more Raph h/c, because we're sorely lacking in that area. I need more of this, I will make it mySELF if I have to, goddamnit.] We all went off the deep end there. Currently, it's sitting at 31k and counting; buckle up folks, we are in for a _long_ ride. 
> 
> A long, emotional ride. 
> 
> At the moment, I have ideas/notes for 10 chapters so far. I'm only three ''chapters'' in, and the first two are over 10k words long. Those chapters(and future chapters) will be split into several parts, so if there's any weird cut-offs at certain points, it's because of that. There won't really be a planned update schedule, by the way. It'll be updated whenever I can finished the chapters and whenever my beta readers get a chance to proofread them. I'll try to work on/update other fics to keep a steady stream of content? We'll see what happens. We will see. 
> 
> Some things to note. Rise Raph will be written as a character who has Dissociative Identity Disorder(DID) and Autism. I, myself, am autistic but I do not have DID. I've talked about this fic a bit with a friend who does and will be doing some research to make sure that I write DID with as much accuracy and realism as possible, though there might be some minor liberties taken for narrative cohesion and flow-nothing overly egregious, that's for certain.
> 
> Side note, the other turtles are autistic/neurodivergent too!
> 
> Here's a Spotify playlist I've made for the fic: [ Dimensonal Self-Isolation Playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/65lNr3BuPyUeg7zPIHT8Qm?si=CglPt-dkQY-DDXSJe9Sddg)
> 
> I think I've gotten everything out of the way, hope you enjoy the fic and stick around for the ride!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to TiredRobin and redhairedmuses for betaing my fic!

Hamato Raphael really needed this to be known, but he loved his three younger brothers. 

He loved Angelo, loved his creativity, his blinding optimism, and positivity, loved how easy Angelo could be made happy. Angelo was a ball of sunshine that Raph could rely on for a smile at any time. Raph loved Leon. Loved his easy-going vibes that canceled out and mellowed Raph's overwhelming anxiety, loved how, even though all four of them loved Jupiter Jim, Leon loved Jupiter Jim just a _little_ more than the others. Raph adored how Leon tried to do his own little way of lifting up their brothers’ spirits with the crack of a joke, a well-timed meme, or some perfectly crafted slapstick would be the perfect thing to get all of them to break down in laughter. Don was another thing entirely, another turtle out of all of their leagues. A certified genius, Raph could never hope to be able to keep up with Don's growing intellect. Raph didn’t think he would want to keep up with Don’s growing intellect, he tried that once and it didn’t end well for Donnie. 

Now that he got that out of the way, Raph _really_ wished that Don would put a lid on it with the alternate dimensions thing. 

It had started innocently enough. After the Shredder, during the rebuilding of the lair and getting back everything they lost, Don needed something to fixate his genius brain on. Don's brain was plied with several cups of coffee, a shit ton of Twizzlers, and at least a case (or three) of five-hour energy drinks and there was no stopping Don. 

"Okay, remember Pizzasauraus? Evil love child of Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster?" Don asked with that feral, faraway look in his eye. Raph has grown to become hesitant of that faraway look that Donnie since it usually spelled trouble for them. 

Leon pulled a piece of pizza away from the pie and bit into it, dragging it away from his mouth, creating a loose, stringy path from the pizza to his mouth. "There's no such thing as the Pizzasauraus, _give it a rest already,"_ he groaned. 

"Pizzasaurus exists! You just don't know what _I_ know!" Donnie exclaimed, eye twitching and Raph wasn't sure if that was the caffeine getting to him or if Don was actually annoyed at the moment. 

"No one knows what you know," Mikey said playfully. "That's why you're Donnie." 

Don dramatically took a deep breath, as if to calm himself down before continuing. "Forget Pizzasaurus. This is bigger than Pizzasaurus,” he said, holding his hands out. “I found proof of us existing in alternate dimensions."

"Like, seriously? Like Jupiter Jim in the one movie where he went into an alternate dimension to save Red Fox from his evil alternate self?" Leon said. He sounded like he was trying to gauge if he should actually pay attention or tune Donnie out. Raph's somewhat leaning towards the latter. 

"I dunno if they're evil or not," Donnie said. 

"Evil alternate Jupiter Jim was brainwashed as well," Donnie threw in. "So maybe these other versions of us are good."

Donnie went quiet after that. Raph thought it would be the end of the alternate dimension thing.

* * *

Unfortunately for Raph, he was wrong. That was not the end of it. 

Don didn't shut up about the alternate self thing because once he hyperfixated on something, there was nothing that could get him out of it short of three things: Leon ruined it for him, Don grew bored with it, or Don managed to figure out the thing that he was hyperfixating on. Leon hadn't ruined it for him yet because Leon, being the Jupiter Jim nerd that he was, was overly curious about the whole thing. Angelo hadn't said anything about it, but he did show visible interest ("Do you think they all do arts and crafts?"). 

"What do you think these other versions of us could be like?" Leon asked, hovering over Don, who was drawing schematics for a thing he wanted to build for this exact purpose. "I hope the other me is just as cool as I am, or I'd have to throw him in the trash and ask the universe for a refund." 

Angelo, who was drawing little encouraging doodles on Don's schematics, did a little scoff. He's been hanging around Don too much, Raph noted. "What if they aren't guys but like they're girl versions of us?"

The question made Don stop in his tracks. He put his pencil down and simply looked at Angelo. "Well, that's not an _'out there'_ guess," Don said. It didn't sound like a clear no or yes to Raph and now he's a little intrigued, if only to find out what Donnie was about to say. "According to the Many Worlds Theory, all outcomes are physically possible or realized in some world or universe. So yes, there _would_ be a dimension where we are all girls or something like that."

Angelo frowned. He poked his lip out in thought and his orange mask acted as his eyebrows, furrowing upwards as he thought. Raph had himself on edge because he's learned that when his youngest brother made those faces, that's when he asked the hardest questions of them all. The ones that made everyone think for a few days, the ones that made everyone reconsider their entire existence. When they were younger, they would all argue and fight when Angelo asked these kinds of questions. They fought the way that Raph hated: with the cruel words, the escalating tempers that grew and grew until one of them said something that they didn't mean but only said in a moment of anger-the words that left them all wondering if the offender had truly meant it.

Angelo hasn't asked those questions in a while and they haven't had those arguments in a while-Raph doesn't talk about the Roof Incident. It doesn't count. Because... _reasons._ Raph wondered if they would become like they were when they were younger: wild, emotional, clawing at each other with words until they struck gold. 

Raph didn't want to know or find out. One can understand why Raph wasn't really a fan of those questions. 

"Do you think we'd find a dimension where we never mutated and became what we were? Would we find a dimension where we became what Draxum wanted us to be? Would we be happy? Would we still be brothers?" Angelo asked, twirling the tails of his mask through his fingers anxiously. He studied the silent faces of his brothers and hunched over, making himself a bit smaller. "Sorry, all this talk of alternate stuff made me think about it-"

"Hermano, don't be sorry," Leon said, quick to wrap his arms around his younger brother. "I've been wondering the same thing too."

Oh? Raph was curious about what Leon was wondering. Don seemed to have given his twin a look, prompting Leon to continue. 

"It sounds stupid," Leon said with an empty laugh. It wasn't stupid. It _wasn't_ stupid. Raph knew that tactic all too well. Leon did that when he was trying to hide his emotional vulnerability behind another wall of jokes. "Like haha, what if we were Pokemon or Pokemon trainers? Would we be happy that way?" 

"Scoff," Don said. Perhaps he picked up on Leo trying to hide what he was truly thinking. "You're lying to us." 

Leon spluttered with a laugh. It's not a true, patented Leon laugh that's trademarked for its condescension and sarcasm, even when he was being genuine. It's a Raph laugh. One of those anxious, overwhelming laughs that were accompanied by fear stink. Raph knew that laugh too well. 

He laughed that laugh a lot. 

If Leon was a snapping turtle like Raph was, Raph was certain that the room would be filled with his fear stink. But Leon's not a snapping turtle, so there was no fear stink to pick up on. 

Leon looked around at his brothers, who were all curious about his thoughts and, realizing that he was outnumbered on this one, Leon's shoulders sagged in defeat. It's not a dramatic action by any means and so Raph knew that it's a Serious Thought. 

"I'm...I was wondering," Leon stumbled through his words before he grew frustrated with the surprising amount of false starts he had to use and finally blurted it out. "Would Gram-Gram still be alive in one of those dimensions?"

After he admitted his thought, Leon was met with silence and Leon really needed this silence to be filled. "Would she be happy? Would she forgive me for not fighting hard enough to make sure she was okay? Would she and Gamps be happy while still alive together? Would there be one where Gamps never wore that stupid armor and never hurt us?" 

. . . . . . 

Raph wasn't expecting that. He wasn't expecting Leon to talk about Gram-Gram so quickly, he wasn't expecting anyone to talk about her so quickly. Her death was still heavy on their minds. Raph had nightmares where he was the one who rightfully took her place because Gram-Gram was more important than him at that moment. She wasn't a failure like he was.

She died protecting them. 

That should have been Raph. 

Angelo was the first one to pull Leon into a hug, wrapping his arms extra tight around his older brother in one of his extra special hugs. Don joined in on the hug and Raph is a little too far away, and can't strain himself with that crack in his shell. Angelo whispered something to Leon, Don following close behind. 

Raph was silent. He made a promise to himself. 

If he ever met Gram-Gram again in any dimension, he'd do everything in his power to make sure she was still alive and happy. He'd follow her to the ends of the earth, do anything and everything to make sure that she was safe. And if he died? That was okay. He would simply be fulfilling his promise and making good on what should have happened in this dimension. Raph would be balancing things out. His life for Gram-Gram's happiness and safety. 

All would be made right. 

"She's not mad at you Leo," Angelo said. "GramGram still loves us, even, even if she can't be here with us."

"I concur with Angelo," Donnie said in the hug. "GramGram doesn't hate you and she doesn't blame you for what happened. I sure don't."

Raph got up, ignoring the pain in his shell, went over to his brothers, and picked them all up in a hug. His brothers' emotional well-being was more important than the crack in his shell. He hugged them tightly, but not too tightly so that he didn't cause them any pain. 

"Aww, I got a Raph hug," Leon said, voice wavering slightly.

"Raph will always give out Raph hugs when needed or desired," he said. 

"Raph, you're straining yourself," Donnie said in annoyance. "That crack in your shell won't get better if you keep doing things like this. Put us down and go lay back down and rest your shell."

"But you guys are more-"

"I _know_ , big guy. I know," Don said, patting his shoulders. "But go rest your shell? For us, please?" 

The alligator snapping turtle did not fight, did not pretend to fight, and sighed in resignation. Raph set the three turtles down. 

"Don, could you bring my thing over?" Raph asked. "I don't feel close enough to you guys."

It sounded really silly to Raph, but he always had a problem being physically far away from his brothers. It's why they were always within arm’s reach of each other when they were in the main areas of the lair, within easy to latch on distance. It's a safety _and_ comfort thing for Raph; knowing that his brothers are okay and knowing that they're close by always brought him a sense of relief. 

That's not to say he can't handle being alone, he _can,_ but sometimes being alone led and bred into loneliness and that's what he couldn't take. He's also somewhat lucky that his brothers knew about his problems and issues being lonely, because it made things like this easier to explain and easier for him to get what he needed when he needed it. 

"Well, why didn't you say that in the first place?" Donnie asked. "Leo, bring the cot over closer to us."

Leon did as he was instructed, bringing Raph's cot closer to where the three are, closer to Don's table, and dramatically presented it to his older brother. "There you go, big bro," Leon said. "Now get comfortable, I don't think Don wants to hear any more excuses about why you aren't taking care of your shell."

Raph sighed and did exactly that, laying in the cot on his plastron. Don nodded in approval, and returned to drawing the schematics for a prototype. Angelo silently slinked over from Don and Leon, wheeling his rolling chair where Raph was and rested with him. 

Raph thought he might be able to handle this. 

* * *

Raph couldn’t really forget that Pops made Leon leader. After all that Raph led the team through, fighting the Shredder two hundred and thirty-one times, all the times that they nearly died, after the hell that they went through, _Pops made Leon leader._

It was a decision that didn’t go over well. Mikey and Donnie were upset at the sudden abrupt transition, Leo was shocked that he got heaped with a new responsibility, and as for Raph? 

Raph felt betrayed. He didn’t really know how to take it at first, how to handle such a weird shift in dynamics. Was he really that terrible after during his time leading? Was he really that bad at the whole team leader thing that Pops felt he needed to be replaced and usurped by his second youngest brother?

Seeing Leo take on some mantle of leadership was interesting in a way. He was a natural at it, confident and self-assured, free of fear stink, compared to Raphael’s anxiousness and constant fumbling. His plans worked whenever they went out on light patrols, and Leon was really just better at this leadership thing in every aspect than Raph ever hoped he could be. 

He couldn’t really be jealous of his brother for doing something better than Raph ever could. He couldn’t be. 

Instead, he felt empty, because what was he really if he wasn’t the leader? He was still their eldest brother but being leader was so inextricably tied to eldest brother that the loss of his position as leader ended up in him losing the title of biggest brother. 

So he tried not to think about it. Until Pops came in to talk to him. 

The alligator snapping turtle had been laying in his bed, soothing music drowning out his thoughts as he cuddled one of his plush animals when Pops peeked through his curtain to his room.

“Red? Can I talk to you?” asked Pops. 

Raph shrugged, mumbled ‘yes’, and waited for his Pops to join him on his bed. He heard his Pops stretch his back, his spine cracking, and his father groaned and moaned in pain as he climbed on the bed. The sheets rustled as Pops scooted closer to him and rested his hand on his son’s arm. 

“Blue no longer wants to be leader,” Pops said. 

So does Pops want him back as leader? Why did Pops want him back as the leader when Leon was doing so much better as him? 

“Why do you want me back as leader? Did you even want me as the leader in the first place when Leon was doing so much better than I was?” he said, baring his snaggletooth at his father, finally allowing himself to even engage with that anger and jealousy that followed him since the Shredder’s defeat. 

Pops doesn’t react to Raph’s display of anger and jealousy. “I did not mean for you to feel this way, Red,” Pops said. “I didn’t make Blue leader because he was ‘better’ than you, that was not the reason at all.”

So what was the reason? Because everything that Raph could think of, led to the fifteen-year-old coming to the conclusion that Leon was infinitely better than Raph in every single way. 

“Then _why_ Pops?” Raph asked, desperate need for knowledge bleeding and cracking into his voice. Tears were pooling in the corners of his eyes. “Why him?”

“You needed a break,” Pops said simply. Raph stared blankly at the elder rat, so he continued. “You’re tired. You did so well but you need to rest. You needed a break.”

Of all the things that Raph was expecting to hear, it was not that. He didn’t need to rest. He didn’t _need_ a break, he was still good to go. What was Pops even talking about? 

“What?” Raph started. “I’ve been on a break, I’ve been letting my shell heal and I’m good to go, I’m okay, I can still lead.”

“But you are not okay,” Pops countered, rubbing his hand on his son’s arm. Raph didn’t understand what he meant by that, he was definitely okay, he was _more_ than okay to lead again. How was he not okay? “You took on a very heavy burden by yourself, the weight of the world on your shoulders and that was not a burden you needed or had to take on alone. You have your brothers, you have April, you have me, and we are all safe since we defeated the Shredder. I’ve noticed that you haven’t been whole since then.”

“But I _am_ whole,” Raph argued. What was Pops talking about, him not being whole? He’s complete, he’s whole, he’s _okay_. Why wasn’t Pops getting this? “I am, I am-”

“You are not,” Pops said again. “I know you are not okay. You may think you’re okay, but I know you are not. I know you are not okay, I know what you said while you and the others were with Todd."

... _Oh._

"But I don't feel that way anymore Pops!" Pops didn’t say anything back, but simply stared at him. The alligator snapping turtle wasn’t sure why but that simple stare upset him more than anything. “I don’t! I promise you I’m okay!” 

Pops shook his head and continued stroking his son’s arm. “I wish you would trust us the way we trust you,” he said sadly. “I _know_ you aren’t okay.”

Raph wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep this up. His voice was already cracking, tears were streaming down his face, how much longer could he keep this up before he completely broke down. Raph _was_ okay. He’s doing so much better than what he was before, why can’t Pops understand that? Why couldn’t Raph get Pops to understand that he was okay?

He needed to move on from this increasingly cyclical conversation, he needed to understand the _true_ reason why Leon was made leader. It wasn’t because Raph ‘wasn’t okay’ or that ‘he needed to rest.’ It wasn’t, it just couldn’t be. 

So what was it?

“Why Leo?” Raph asked again, averting his gaze from the ninja master. “Why him?”

“Well, why not Blue?” Splinter challenged. 

“He’s self-centered, over-confident, a goof-ball who doesn’t take things seriously,” Raph counted off, thinking about the many times Leo was exactly those things. Patrols, the Maze of Death, the basketball incident. 

“Blue has potential to be a good leader,” Splinter said. “He’s confident, a good tactician, knows how to adapt and improvise his plans on the fly. You didn’t see his potential when Blue and I were with Big Mama, a woman who is cold, ruthless, and intelligent, and yet he outsmarted her. Even I had my doubts, to be honest, when he was putting me back in the Battle Nexus. Even when he asked me to have some faith in him, I still had my doubts. But his plan worked. It was crazy, _but it worked.”_

Leon did have his moments where he had great plans, even when he didn’t explain part or the entirety of his plan, and Raph had to admit they still worked, Even with the basketball thing. Even though Leon did get them into that mess, he managed to figure out a way to help them and gave them hope that they had a chance to beat the other basketball team. Leon had crazy plans, but they worked. 

Unlike Raph’s. 

“Yea,” said Raph sullenly, nodding his head. Maybe Pops was right to make Leon the leader.

“Blue needs a way to foster his potential,” Pops began. “I think having Blue lead instead of being led would help with that potential.”

“But he’s not going to know what to do,” Raph said. 

Pops nodded, “True, but that is where you and I will come in.”

The fifteen-year-old turned his head back to his father. “What do you mean?”

“Give him a hand, help him when he needs it,” Pops said. “I’ll guide him too.”

Suddenly, Raph was taken over with a flash of frustration, hurt, and betrayal. “How come _Leo_ gets to have you guide him?” he said angrily. That wasn’t fair. “I had to flail, and struggle when I was the leader and I tried to get you to help me but all I got was those stupid Lou Jitsu training videos.”

Raph’s shoulders sagged, and he pulled away from Pops. “I wanted my dad to help me and I didn’t get it but now that _Leo’s_ leader, he gets all the assistance in the world,” he said with a low snarl, the derision and animosity that he’s feeling coming out. 

Pops went silent, and that didn’t help the swirling emotions of hurt, betrayal, and jealousy that was stirring in Raphael’s chest. Why didn’t Raph get guidance from Pops? Why, when he came to Pops looking for help on how to lead the team, he got the Lou Jitsu training videos, an absent father who seemed to care more about his cake and tea than his struggling son? Was Raph really not worthy of Pop’s guidance? What was he missing? What did Leo have that made him worth Pops stepping up and helping him out with the leadership thing? What did Leo have that Raph didn’t have?

_Why wasn't Raph good enough for Pops?_

“-ed. Red. _Red.”_

Hearing his name, Raph turned to look at Pops, who looked at him with downcast eyes. “I’m so sorry that I made you feel this way, Red,” he said. 

Had...had he said all of that out loud? He didn’t remember saying that out loud. When had he said that? “It’s...okay Pops,” Raph said with a sigh. “You didn’t know.”

“Don’t-don’t do that,” Pops said with a ragged, tired voice. The same tired voice that he had not too long after they defeated the Shredder. “Don’t make excuses for me and my failures towards you, Raphael. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Raph clamped his mouth shut, unsure of what to do. He was the reason that Pops sounded tired and gave him that sad look, but he can’t apologize, can’t take back those words he said, _so what was he supposed to do?_ How was he supposed to fix this...this whatever was going on between him and Pops? 

Perhaps, if Raph could pretend that he never said anything, never said anything about his jealousy and hurt at this whole betrayal, then he can at least salvage the rest of this conversation. Then there wouldn’t be this weird awkwardness between the two of them. Then he can continue this conversation, figure out where he fits in on this team because now that he’s not the leader, what was he supposed to be?

His shoulders shook in a little anxious laugh, and he tried to twist his lips in a smile, snaggletooth hanging over. “Forget that I said anything,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Just forget it-”

“No,” Pops said. “I can not just forget what you said. I can not forget that I made you feel this way.”

“Pops, it's not that important,” Raph weakly argued. “It’s really not.”

“Raphael.”

There goes Pops using his full name again. 

He was serious about this, huh? Raph still wasn’t looking at his Pops, and if he had to be completely honest, he wasn’t really sure if he could look his father in the eyes. Instead, he continued staring off in the distance, silently hoping that he could disappear from this conversation. 

“Raphael,” Pops said again. “Do you think that I would want or try to forget what you just told me? Do you think I would want to forget how I contributed to your feelings? Do you think I want to not help you resolve these feelings that you have?” Pops didn’t say anything for a moment, and Raph didn’t respond. On one hand, he had gotten used to being that wall set up between the two of them and had gotten used to those well of intense emotions building up inside of him. He wouldn’t even know what to do if he actually _willingly_ unloaded his feelings onto Pops. On the other hand, he wouldn’t even know how Pops would react if he ever told him how Pops made him feel and all those twisted up feelings that he repressed on the daily. 

“Red, look at me,” Pops ordered softly and Raph did so reluctantly. “I need you to know that I am not upset with you. I am not upset with you for how you are feeling and I am sorry that I made you feel this way.” 

And, like a dam bursting beneath the pressure, Raph broke. Pops turned towards his oldest son, held what he could of Raph in his arms as Raph’s shoulders shook and the teenager let out heaving sobs. 

Pops rubbed and stroked his son’s head, doing what he had always done for the alligator snapping turtle when he was a turtle tot. Back then, it was to console his son from his fits of anger, from his nightmares, from his anxiety attacks compared to now, where he’s consoling his eldest son for all of the mistakes that he had made, for all the mistakes that had hurt his son. Back then the simple action was enough to alleviate his son’s anxieties and fears, but now he’s not sure if he could be able to fix all of the things that he has done that had harmed Raph and his other three sons. 

“I’m sorry that I didn’t step up to help you when you were struggling,” Pops started. “I’m sorry that I made you feel like you weren’t worthy of my help and that your brother is. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you had to struggle so much when you were leading your brothers.” 

Raph was still crying heavily. The emotions that he had been harboring and weighing him down, now had some way to let themselves out-even if it was ultimately just drops from a faucet. He roughly rubbed at his eyes, trying to push back the tears that were escaping as though he could just simply put a pause on the tears he was crying and overwhelming emotions that he was intensely feeling right now. Pops’ words were eventually drowned out, the actual words themselves turned to static thanks to how loud he was crying to the point he could only focus on how tightly his father was hugging him, how warm the hug was, how soothing and sincere his voice was. 

A small thin hand brushed across Raph’s face, under his eyes to wipe away the tears and the tracks they’ve made on his face. Raph buried himself in his father’s robes, inhaling the lingering aroma of his sugary cakes and the strong herbal scents of his favorite tea. The softness of Pops robes tickled, the matted stains from spilt tea lightly scritched, and he buried his face further in his dad’s robes to get that sense of comfort that he had been wanting for so long. 

Dull tapping on his head brought him out of his dad’s robes and Raph looked up to see his father looking down at him. “Raphael, I need you to listen and understand me when I say this, alright?” he said. Raph slowly nodded. “You were a fantastic leader, even when you struggled and made mistakes. You protected your family during our most dangerous fight for our lives and I do not have the words to describe how _proud_ I am of you and what you accomplished. You deserve someone to guide you and help you be a more confident leader. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize this until now and I will do everything in my power to make that up to you when you’re completely and one hundred percent ready to become the leader again.”

Pops went silent again. “My son, you need a break. Allow yourself to be led and let us take care of you.”

Raph inhaled deeply several times, trying to speak without his tears clogging his throat. When Raph thought he could manage it, he said, “But what am I if I’m not the leader?” His throat was still a bit scratchy, voice still raw from all the crying he had done. “I’m _nothing_ if I’m not the leader.”

Pops clicked his tongue and shook his head. “That is not true my son. Not at all. You are not nothing. You are an important part of the team. For now, you are our protector.”

“Protector?” Raph said in confusion. 

“Yes. You protect while you lead, but you can’t always do both,” Pops explained. “But being the protector never changes; in the end, it comes down to you.” 

When Raph thought it through, it started to make a little sense. Raph was protective of his brothers and their well-being. Leon, Don, and Angelo would argue that he was being overprotective but Raph disagreed. It was his job as the biggest brother to make sure that they were okay, and he might fail miserably at a lot of things but that was the _one_ thing he tried his absolute hardest not to fail at.

He thought about it a little more and it was starting to make a little more sense. He always struggled with keeping his brothers safe while leading them through their misadventures and general shenanigans. It wasn’t that he _wasn’t_ a bad leader, like Pops said—he had a hard time believing that—but sometimes he just didn’t _know_ how to juggle the two jobs: the job of being their leader, the Fearless Leader who was supposed to be the one they looked to get them out of tough calls and the job of being their big brother, who was supposed to make sure that nothing bad happened to them no matter what. 

Raph thought about it a little more and, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he _had_ failed them. The first and most glaringly obvious instance of this failure was when they had met Big Mama the first time. He had ignored Leon’s distrust of Big Mama, called him a ‘sore winner’ when Big Mama revealed herself to be a giant spider yokai—Alright, Leon really was a sore winner at that moment but Raph didn’t really need to say that out loud when they were tied up. That could have waited until they were completely safe and out of danger. Raph’s naivety had gotten the four of them trapped in the claws of a dangerous villain. There was also the Roof Incident, where Raph, Raph of all turtles had chosen the welfare of the city and the stupid fucking oozesquitoes over his younger brother, Leon, who was trapped and entangled in Draxum’s vines, hanging over the _roof of a goddamn building._

He didn’t call Draxum’s threat, he had thought he was bluffing and was proven so glaringly wrong Draxum threw Leon off the building without hesitation, without remorse, without second-guessing. Of course, Raph went after him, but Raph often dreamed about what would have happened to Leon if the slider had landed on his shell, the blood that would have stained the sidewalk because of Raph’s failure to be smarter and stop thinking with his head in the clouds. 

But he _did_ save Leon, because he would always save his younger brothers. He would _always_ save them. No matter what.

Maybe Pops was onto something with him being the family’s protector, maybe he was right about that. “I’m-I’m still the oldest brother, right?” he asked, because even though he’s trying his hardest to cope with the loss of something that had defined him for so long, he was not quite sure how to handle losing the only other thing that had defined him, that made Raph _Raph._

Pops gave a little chuckle in response. “Of course my son, I couldn’t imagine anyone else doing what you do so well,” he said. “Just remember my son, this is not a punishment, but a time for rest. I will always be here to talk if you need to.”

Raph wasn’t sure if he could believe it. He had gotten used to that wall that Pops had built up between the two of them, that wall which had always been there. Of course, the wall had been an irritant when the fifteen-year-old had needed him but over time he had grown to accept it as a part of their relationship. He had learned how to handle some of those awkward emotions that were twisting and turning in his mind and heart. That wasn’t to say that Pops didn’t open up or wasn’t there for them when they needed him in emotional manners, but perhaps Raph had grown up a little faster and recognized the wall that was there between them and their dad. 

Still, Pops had said that he was here for him if he needed to talk to him. He’s been having a lot of thoughts lately that maybe he should talk to his dad about. Karai. Her death. The fact that he should have been the one to die. The fact that he’s feeling a weird sort of exhaustion that he couldn’t cure with sleep-no matter how much sleep he got and that maybe he’s not sure what’s the point of doing anything anymore but he has only felt that way since they defeated the Shredder for good. 

There was a lot that Raph had on his mind. He couldn’t tell his brothers about how he was feeling these things. They would get overprotective, they would ask questions that he didn’t really know the answers to, didn’t really have the words in his jumbled up brain to explain why he was feeling like this. Not to mention, what if they agreed with him on the fact that he should have been the one to die instead of Karai because she was so much more useful to them alive? What if they didn’t get how he was feeling? 

But if he couldn’t tell his brothers, then there was no way he could tell his father. If he told his father these feelings that he was feeling, then there was the chance that that wall could come back up between the two of them. What if Pops didn’t care, wouldn’t get it, or _insert some catastrophic outcome that Raph’s brain would come up with?_ Thinking about it just a little bit already brought up so many what-ifs, Raph couldn’t handle entertaining even more what-ifs and possibilities. 

So for now, maybe he won’t say anything. 

“I know Pops,” he said.

He didn’t know. He still won’t say anything. 

The wall can’t come back up if you didn’t say anything. 

**Author's Note:**

> Drop a kudos and comment! Thanks so much for reading!


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